social standing

I wrote this in late April, with the sunshine of May beginning to part the curtains of spring showers. It wasn’t until the end of June that I felt I could finally breathe again.

I had just submitted my final portfolio for my creative writing degree. Between the lines, there was space for quiet reflection-on how far I’d come.
Academically, of course, I’ve learned so much. But beyond intellect, it’s the emotional landscape of the past four years that I truly cherish.

I didn’t have the “normal” college experience-no weekly prinks on Thursdays, no long coffee breaks in the bleak Galway air. I only encountered that version of college life in short-sighted glimpses, and even then, I often felt out of place. Lost in thought, convinced I was doing it all wrong. That I’d never forge the easy, close-knit friendships others seemed to build so naturally. That I’d missed out-and might always be missing out.

Even when I moved into town for my final year-a huge step toward independence-I still grappled with the social side of things. I wanted so badly to be free, to be fun.
Most nights out, I’d sit practicing breathing techniques with a bottle of tequila by my side. I only went out maybe twice a month, but each time came with effort and exhaustion. It’s frustrating. I wish, after four years, I knew how to manage it all better-how not to feel trapped or scared during a one-on-one conversation with someone I care about. How not to feel unworthy of camaraderie.