manatee

Lying in bed, I wonder if you’re thinking of me too. Are you also wondering if you’ll ever love again? I want to write down all the memories, all the moments of joy—but I realize none of them are from August onwards. I was holding tightly onto a man who disappeared like a summer breeze: wafting and indecisive, lingering too long, even in the cold months.

Still, I smile when I think of the shower in Opatija. There was something so endearing in that moment—so unguarded and human. I think about your laugh, its casual joy, and how you blushed when I complimented you. 

I realise I lost my best friend. And I think you lost yours too.

Will someone new ever love you like I did? Looking at the past few months, I believe I’ll find someone who treats me better. Someone who stays. But will you? Will you ever find someone who looks at you with such adoration, such unreserved affection again?

I love you enough still to hope you will. But I don’t love myself enough yet to hope it won’t be me.

Thinking back, I never told you why I called you Manatee.

Manatees are creatures without natural prey, creatures that have never learned the language of aggression. They simply exist in their gentle way, unburdened by malice. You were my manatee—my safe harbor, my gentle love, the one who held my hand when I was upset, who spoke softly and learned the rhythms of my anxiety. With you, I laughed freely and felt a sense of safety I had never known before. You were my best friend and my first real love.

Loving you was the most natural thing I’ve ever done, and I can’t bring myself to regret it. I still love you, even now. Some nights, I sit by the phone, hoping it might ring with your name lighting up the screen. You were my everything, and I’ll always cherish the chance I had to love you so completely.

I’ll never fully understand why we couldn’t be together in the end. The reasons remain elusive, tangled in the space between us. Was it timing? Or simply that we weren’t meant to last? Whatever the answer, it drifts just beyond my grasp. But what I do know, with absolute certainty, is that I want you to be happy. I’d sacrifice my own happiness for yours all over again, without hesitation. That’s the kind of love you inspired in me—

selfless, enduring, and achingly tender.

Despite its ending, you will always be my manatee. Moving on, I hope to find someone who loves me with the same depth and kindness. And I hope you find someone who sees you as I did—as a gentle, wonderful soul deserving of all the love the world has to offer.

Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for being my gentle love. And thank you for showing me that love can be as kind as a manatee gliding through calm waters. 

Even in its ending, it was a gift.